Thursday, June 24, 2010

Always forward

I've made some pretty big strides in the past two weeks.

I've found that I don't suck at the violin nearly as much as I thought I would. Am I anywhere near what I used to be? Not hardly. Still, I'm working my way fairly successfully through my intermediate book.

I've also started something I honestly never though would come to fruition. I've written the first chapter of a romance novel. (gasp). It's a fairly fluffy plot, but I have a vague outline and a whole, completed chapter. Mind you, I haven't written anything beyond research papers since fall of 2006.

Today my co worker told me that her bff, who I've only met a handful of times, is proud of me.
"Why?" I asked, befuddled.
"Because," she replied, "you've come so far since she first met you."
Frankly, I was stunned. As mentioned, BFF and I had only talked a few times, and I thought hose times revolved mainly around shallow topics. Then I remembered. This girl had seen me during different stages of my relationship with jerkface exboyfriend.
I think she saw me at least once when I was blissfully ignorant
She saw me when I had hacked off all my hair after finding out that said ex boyfriend lied, cheated and married.
She may have heard from Co Worker that I took a few vacations to the local loony bin.
Then, a few days ago, she saw me tell the truth. BFF was going through a very rough patch with some family issues and had come to my place of work to seek comfort from Co Worker. I tried not to listen in more than was welcome- after all, BFF and I might get along really well, but there are some things you won't want to share with the world. While half listening, I heard her say something absolutely brilliant.
"He (the family member) apologized for ruining my life. I told him he didn't ruin my life because it wasn't his to ruin."

I was stunned when I heard this. I walked over to her, gave her the biggest hug I could and flat out told her she was amazing.
"Why?" she asked, confused.
"Because of what you just said. You aren't letting anyone have control over your life except for you. It's taken me five months to scrape the surface of that belief and here you are, in full ownership of it."

I think that's why she's proud of me. She's right. I have come a long way. I'm not spending wee hours of the morning repeatedly Google'ing his name. I barely text him unless he instigates a conversation. I sure as hell don't call him. I freely (and frequently) admit that he's a whiny little bitch.

Most importantly, I realized that I don't want him back. I really don't. The last three years of my relationship, I spent all my time and effort trying to be perfect for him. I listened to his every woe, talked him out of every little depression he created for himself, reassured him that he wasn't scum (yes, I know. Hush.), did everything in my power to fix his problems for him. I left no time for myself.
Look at me now, after 5 months of freedom. I have the time, energy, and want to resume playing an instrument I love. I have to determination to wrangle ideas out of my brain and into a cohesive word document. I'm going out, forging new friendships, renewing lapsed ones. I've taken off the blinders that kept me focused on him.

Right now I feel like I can achieve everything. I haven't felt that way in years. No way do I want his failure hanging around my neck, dragging me down.

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