Friday, June 25, 2010

To tame the savage beast

I hold a degree in English, which means I spent 2.5 years training my brain to analyze words, either prose or poetry, for any potential relevance or symbolism. This trait tends to affect other aspects of my life.

Like music.

Now I freely admit to going through that phase in my early teen years (read: middle school) where I though there were songs that were just omg SO about me. Thankfully that phase was a short one.
Nevertheless, the appeal of music is that lyrics can and often do carry a message to which we the listener can relate. They carry memories of who we were with when we first heard the song, where we were in life.

As a result, there were many, many bands to which I could not listen following my epic dumping. Every love song on the radio seemed to drive home the point that yes, I was in fact QUITE alone, thank you for the reminder.

Luckily, my mp3 library had music to fix this.

There were some nice "I miss you" songs (I Need You Now by Lady Antebellum) and "I've been betrayed and abandoned boohoo" (Little Bird, the Weepies). Recently I've been compiling lovely wonderful songs about how happy I am to NOT be dating my lame ex.

I present to you my "I so don't want you back" playlist.

"So What" by Pink.
"Behind These Hazel Eyes" by Kelly Clarkson.
"Hate is a Strong Word (But I Really Really Don't Like You)" by the Plain White T's
"Alejandro" by Lady GaGa
"Since You've Been Gone" by Kelly Clarkson
"Gives You Hell" by All American Rejects.
"Don't Want You Back" by Backstreet Boys

Listening to these songs, along with several others than escape me presently, remind me that I am still a rockstar, that I've made that big step.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Always forward

I've made some pretty big strides in the past two weeks.

I've found that I don't suck at the violin nearly as much as I thought I would. Am I anywhere near what I used to be? Not hardly. Still, I'm working my way fairly successfully through my intermediate book.

I've also started something I honestly never though would come to fruition. I've written the first chapter of a romance novel. (gasp). It's a fairly fluffy plot, but I have a vague outline and a whole, completed chapter. Mind you, I haven't written anything beyond research papers since fall of 2006.

Today my co worker told me that her bff, who I've only met a handful of times, is proud of me.
"Why?" I asked, befuddled.
"Because," she replied, "you've come so far since she first met you."
Frankly, I was stunned. As mentioned, BFF and I had only talked a few times, and I thought hose times revolved mainly around shallow topics. Then I remembered. This girl had seen me during different stages of my relationship with jerkface exboyfriend.
I think she saw me at least once when I was blissfully ignorant
She saw me when I had hacked off all my hair after finding out that said ex boyfriend lied, cheated and married.
She may have heard from Co Worker that I took a few vacations to the local loony bin.
Then, a few days ago, she saw me tell the truth. BFF was going through a very rough patch with some family issues and had come to my place of work to seek comfort from Co Worker. I tried not to listen in more than was welcome- after all, BFF and I might get along really well, but there are some things you won't want to share with the world. While half listening, I heard her say something absolutely brilliant.
"He (the family member) apologized for ruining my life. I told him he didn't ruin my life because it wasn't his to ruin."

I was stunned when I heard this. I walked over to her, gave her the biggest hug I could and flat out told her she was amazing.
"Why?" she asked, confused.
"Because of what you just said. You aren't letting anyone have control over your life except for you. It's taken me five months to scrape the surface of that belief and here you are, in full ownership of it."

I think that's why she's proud of me. She's right. I have come a long way. I'm not spending wee hours of the morning repeatedly Google'ing his name. I barely text him unless he instigates a conversation. I sure as hell don't call him. I freely (and frequently) admit that he's a whiny little bitch.

Most importantly, I realized that I don't want him back. I really don't. The last three years of my relationship, I spent all my time and effort trying to be perfect for him. I listened to his every woe, talked him out of every little depression he created for himself, reassured him that he wasn't scum (yes, I know. Hush.), did everything in my power to fix his problems for him. I left no time for myself.
Look at me now, after 5 months of freedom. I have the time, energy, and want to resume playing an instrument I love. I have to determination to wrangle ideas out of my brain and into a cohesive word document. I'm going out, forging new friendships, renewing lapsed ones. I've taken off the blinders that kept me focused on him.

Right now I feel like I can achieve everything. I haven't felt that way in years. No way do I want his failure hanging around my neck, dragging me down.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Baby steps

On all the websites I read and all the advice I get from therapists is to immerse myself in something positive after a breakup of this magnitude, rather than dwell upon recent events.
In light of this advice, I have made a decision.

I am resuming the violin.

I played for 6 years when I was younger, quitting when I didn't feel like dealing with the competitive nature of high school music programs. I played in elementary school and middle school because I enjoyed playing, not because I strove to be a professional musician playing in a symphony. I didn't care that I was a second violin instead of first. I didn't care what seat I was.

So, earlier this evening I purchased violin, case and bow. When it arrives, my co worker and I have plans to practice together at work.

I'm excited. I'm really really excited. There are few legal comparisons to what it feels like when you allow music to wash over you, especially when you are the one creating the music.

As I am going to be helping my co worker learn the violin, she in return is going to help me learn French. For whatever reason, she's been teaching herself, and as we both have desires to lern languages, she'll help me.


Sunday, June 6, 2010

The Lowdown

I'm that other girl. You know- that friend of a friend, so and so's girlfriend, the girl whose face you think you recognize but just can't remember her name. The girl who is known only by her relation to someone else. The girl who lives on the fringe of everyone else's life.
That's me.
I'm 25 (almost), which means for 25 years I've been this person's daughter, that person's sister, her friend, his girlfriend.
Only.. now I'm not. Your friend who brought me to a party? I've stopped speaking to her. The guy who has been dating me forever? He's not anymore.

Let me explain.

For eight years, I was dating the guy I thought was my soulmate, my other half, my perfect match- pick a cliche, I believed it. We broke up after five and a half years (which included one and a half years of being engaged) because he fell for my best. A year later, we got back together, with him promising to end all communication with his now ex.
Only, he got lonely (we were living 200 miles apart at this point). And he was not entirely comfortable seeing me face to face. So he called her up and they started hanging out again, unbeknownst to me. For 3 years he lied to me about seeing her (and by seeing, I do mean dating), up until he dumped me in January. He claimed that his feelings changed from romantic to platonic. Ouch.
In February he got married to this girl.
In March I found out. It didn't go well. And those mutual friends every couple shares? They all knew and didn't say a word.

So I've cut all but him out of my life (and I"m not entirely sure why I haven't cut him out as well).

Now, for the first time since I was 16, I'm single. I'm not in the town where I went to high school.

Now, I get to find out who I am. I get to find out who this other girl is.