Thursday, April 26, 2012


That regular updating thing? So mainstream.

However, I did realize that this is a GREAT place to ramble when my sleep meds start kicking in.

Maybe I will post more when my Rumbelle fandom dies down a bit.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012


Now that I have remembered my password, I'll see about updating more. The internet is a great written monologue waiting to happen, no?

Can I claim I was busy? ... no?

I really should update more. Like, woah.

So, if anyone remembers my last post (... last year...) I mentioned some hint about love on the horizon.

HA! That was cute. After a miscommunication, he and I determined that we work better as friends. Mostly, I think, because I was crushing on him but he wasn't crushing on me. Sucks, but what can you do? My choices were to lose a friend or put on my big girl panties and move on.

So I did. Somewhat. A little.

But it's much easier now, because he moved. To Portland (Oregon, not Maine, but either way, still far). Not gonna lie, I was bummed. Aside from nixing ANY slight glimmer of a chance of a hope that he would wake up realizing how awesome we could be together, it meant I was, to some degree, losing a friend.

As all you (three) loyal (snort) readers know, I lost pretty much all the friends I'd had since high school when FuckFaceExBoyfriend dumped me. Making friends (and furthermore, TRUSTING them) does not come easily to me these days. Friend in Portland (as we shall now call him) was, as implied, a friend. A good one. We didn't hang out much, but he was the kind of friend who, though we didn't know each other very well or for very long, I could have long, ambling chats with at 1am. Even though he (absurdly) rejected my romantic advances, he was also quick to point out that I was an amazing catch and that it was strange that he didn't return my affections.
He marveled at how I had survived the epic breakup. He thought I was brilliant (which is not something often uttered without alcohol and/or sarcasm).

So yeah. I trusted him and cared about him. I loved him, as I do all my good friends. Therefore, losing a friend to distance has really been bumming me out. I know we live in an age of Facebook and Twitter and e-mail and texting, but when one party rarely uses any of that technology, communication and maintenance of a friendship is extremely difficult. I worry that he, like some many before him, will simply vanish across the miles.

And that, simply, makes me sad.

Thursday, June 16, 2011


I'm back. Where have I been?

To the surprise of no one (but the disappointment of me), Ex Boyfriend did not, in fact, pay me back in full like he promise. Nor did he send me a debit card like he then suggested.

He sent cash. Once. Then, three months later, a PayPal payment.

I know. I know. I should cut my losses, yes? But please- we're talking several grand here. It's going to take much sacrifice and the rest of this year to pay off in full the credits cards he ran up in my name. Is it really so wrong to squeeze him for some cash while I fix that problem? I thought not.

"But wait!" you say. "You work part time at a crappy dry cleaner! How can you afford to pay off two credit cards in one year?" WELL! HA!

I got fired from the dry cleaner. That was lame. REALLY REALLY lame. Yet, one month later (February- I got axed right after Christmas. Lamexlame), after continuous job hunting, I landed a super sweet gig at an oil&gas company as the file clerk/data entry/office bitch.
May I just say, yay? Full time, benefits, about $24K a year, and my own OFFICE! With walls! And a desk!

"Well, ok, that's great," you say, "but is that all you do now? Work?"
Of course not! I'm still continuing with my paralegal classes- who knows where I'll end up? Always good to have a wide range of legit skills.
I also (somehow, strangely) developed a social life. I know, me too! But more and more, people were like "we should totally hang out!" and I was like "sure <3" and then MORE hanging out happened (and drinking. yum), and then I was TRAVELING and now I'm all like "wait, let me see if I'm free *teehee*".

It's bewildering. I'm clinging to it like a cat to a person above a tub of water. ME GUSTA.

"Well gee, that's fantastic!" you say. I must agree, truly. In addition to all that awesome, I'm (finally...) losing my breakup weight! God bless WeightWatchers. It works. I've lost almost 10lbs.

Oh damn. Here comes the snark.

"Well, that's all good and lovely," you begin snippily, " but it's been over a year since you got your ass dumped... and yo're still single? Mmm, so sad..."

Whatever bitch. THAT is for another post ^.~

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Letter to my past self

Dear Kim of 2007,

I'm sorry. You suffered because the strength you'll have in the future isn't there for you in your present. When that Jerk said he didn't know who he wanted to be with, I wish I could go back and speak for you. I could have told him then what I know now: Let him choose her. You deserved someone who you didn't have to share, not like that. I wish you could have been able to tell him that if he chose her, he would lose you forever, because he isn't worthy of having you. Past Self, anyone who would keep you on the side while he's off loving someone else can't truly love anyone. I wish I could go back and tell you how much better your life becomes when you realize that you're free.

Also, Thank you. Thank you for surviving those years and for taking all that happened and channeling it into making yourself stronger. You would be amazed at who you become and how you face the world in four years.

I know you'll be looking for someone in your future, because I am now. Don't worry- we will find that person who doesn't ask us to share, who loves us as we deserve to be loved.

-Kim of 2011

Monday, November 1, 2010

The Sad Truth

There are many things about a breakup that suck- loss of friends, decreased self esteem, the unanswerable questions. But you know what? You get past all that. You make new friends. Those new friends rebuild your self confidence, and you learn to let go of the unanswerable questions.
So what's the worst part?

The loneliness.

Like I said, you make new friends, and those friends are wonderful. They get you through those tough times, they take you out of your cocoon of despair.

When you get home though, there's no one there. Oh you may have a roommate or family, but you are alone. That person who was at the party with you went back to his house. He isn't home with you. He isn't reminiscing about the night or continuing a conversation.
When you crawl into bed, you sleep with no one.

That is the worst part. That pervasive loneliness comes and goes in intensity but it's always there. To paraphrase a book I read, you can go out with cash in you wallet for a cab if you can't drive, you watch what you drink, but nothing takes the place of having another person watching your back.

I miss that most from being in a relationship. Not from my ex specifically, just that security. It hovers around you as an unseen force that gives you an intangible sense of safety. You know that you can pick up your phone and text or call that person and he will be there. You know that if you have a nightmare, he'll be right there to calm you down. He'll be the one getting you tea or water or medicine in the middle of the night when you get sick.

I'll tell you this though- if anyone reading this is suffering from that loneliness, I like hugs- both giving and receiving.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Maybe I should call her Professor Pink Bra instead...

While I was completing my undergrad degree, I formed a strong relationship with some of my professors, to the point that now 9two years after graduating) I still stop by to say hi and chill with them.

This past Wednesday, I was on campus to hijack the free printing from the computer lab for a ridiculously long supplement for one of my law classes. 60 pages, using my ink and paper? Um, no.
Once I had safely printed the document and escaped unnoticed, I stopped by my Linguistics professor's office to say hi.

She asked how my sister's wedding went. I told her it was lovely.
She asked how That Boy was. I told her the truth.

She was all that was kind and understanding. Except not.
She got excited, jumped up and down in her chair and asked, "Can I say it? Oh please let me say it!" followed by an exuberant, childish chant of "I told you so, I told you so!"

Yeah. Not quite what I wanted, but everything I was expecting. See, Linguistics Professor saw me when Ex Boyfriend dumped me the first time three years ago. She knew that I had tried to kill myself and how utterly lost I was.

She saw how hard it was for me to pick myself back up. She saw me graduate despite that setback. She knew how much I wanted it to work.

Still, she redeemed herself (after a few more "I told you so's" slipped out) by commenting that she was happy for me.

And you know what? She really was. She has always believed that I was too good for Ex Boyfriend, that I deserved better. In addition to being happy for me, she also said that she coudl tell that I was happy. Not "oh, I'm doing so so but I'll stick a smile on my face" happy, but honestly happy.

And she's right. I am happy. Not 'the sky is blue and bird are singing oh joy!' happy, but at peace with myself happy. Though I very much loved Ex Boyfriend (and cliche as it is, part of me always will), I'm happier without him. I don't feel like I have to answer to another person if I want to go out with friends. I don't have to feel bad if a guy expresses interest in me. I no longer plan to live in a state I never want to be in just to be with his dead end self.

I really am happy.